Hi! I’m Zeke Fahrenheit! Don’t call me Ezekiel or I may have to inflict bodily harm upon you! Anyway, I don’t have a bloody clue what to do with this damned “blog” crap except post reviews of movies I hate, and I hate an awful lot of movies! If you like a movie I hate, that’s fine, we’re all entitled to our own opinions no matter how wrong they may be! Look, let’s just be clear about something here, I don’t like you and you don’t like me! Wazzat? You DO like me? Huh. What the hell is wrong with you?
Anyway, I know never to nothing about this blogging hooey. My kid set this all up for me. She’s the brains, sweetheart. I just typed “blogging” and it’s underlined meaning it isn’t in the computer’s dictionary. HOW CAN A BLOG NOT HAVE THE VERY WORD IT IS IN ITS OWN DICTIONARY? I’m so bloody, bloody confused, I want to vomit. Anyway! Like I said, they’ll be some stuff to spruce this place up, pictures and whatnot. Huh, now “whatnot” isn’t underlined, yet I could have sworn that isn’t a real word, just some high class hooey. And hooey isn’t underlined either! But “blogging”, that which I am doing, IS UNDERLINED. And yes, I double-checked to make sure it isn’t “bloging” with one “g” in the middle, that’s underlined too. I am so confused about this. Why did I have to lose my job with the newspaper. Shit. HEY! Shit isn’t underlined! It’s in the dictionary! HEY! I just realized I can type “shit” all I want and it won’t be censored! Neat! Screw the newspaper, this online stuff maybe okay after all! Whoa, wait a second, “online” is underlined now. SO, the TWO THINGS that most appertains to and they’re underlines. Is internet underlined? YES IT IS. Is “Internet” with a capital “I” underlined? No. Okay, so Internet is a proper noun. Huh. I did not know that.
Whoa, I am like totally going off the rail here. Uh, anyway! Movie reviews! Yes, I am a film critic, Armond White is my sage, and Roger Ebert can go to hell. He likes way too many things. I’m gonna be posting some shit here (gads, it’s SO liberating to use that word instead of a bunch of asterisks!), stuff I like, stuff I hate. Mostly stuff I hate. Okay, only stuff I hate. If I come across something I like, I’ll be sure to let you know right away!
Until then, I remain faithfully yours,
Mmm, should I end my stuff with an exclamation point? Yeah, why not? It’s my damn blog anyway!
There’s that damn underline again.