Hmm. Klaus Kinski was nuts. Yeah. Just check out this picture of him.
Yeah, he was nuts. I can’t think of anyone who was nuttier. I’m scared just writing this essay, and the guy is dead. He’s gonna come back and haunt me in my sleep. Talk about crazy.
No, yeah, he was, but let’s face it, chicks dig the crazy dudes. How do I know this? Because as a card-carrying member of the non-crazies, I don’t get many chicks. Therefore, i.e., crazy dudes get the chicks. So he wasn’t faking it, and he was STILL getting the chicks.
My editor, i.e., my daughter, tells me there’s a logical fallacy somewhere in my essay. I concur (see, I could have easily used “agree” there, but I’m a film critic, I never use an easy word when a hard word would suffice (there again, I could have used “do” instead of “suffice”, I love my job, and when you achieve my status, you will too!)). The logical fallacy, whatever the hell that means, is in the person of Klaus “The Man” Kinski himself. His insanity was legendary, he was prone to fits of madness right on the movie set, yelling and screaming and waving his hands. One of his most prominent collaborators, Werner Herzog, had to use a gun on him to get him to follow direction! Madness, madness. And I just got a note from my editor saying Herzog himself says that’s just a myth about using the gun. Well! Who (or is it whom?) am I to trust? Wikipedia or the guy who was actually there? Yeah, logically it would be the guy who was there, but truth be told, I think I’ll go with the fallacy and trust Wikipedia. Yeah, what’s it to you what I do with my life? What choices I make? Huh, huh? It ain’t up to you! It’s up to ME. Me, and Mr. Kinski.
Anyway, I digress. Back to the subject at hand. I was digressing. Leaving the main topic. Straying off the path to some other interesting subject. Essays are like bucking broncos, you know? No, you didn’t? Well, now you do. Essays are like calm rivers. They’re always full of water. Where was I? Oh, yes, German Expressionism movement. Herzog was a master of using black and white to achieve his goals. Look at his work in “Nosferatu”. Heh, I just realized something, Herzog never directed “Nosferatu”. Somebody else did. I digress. It’s fun to digress, because it leads my mind to strange new places and ideas. Where was I? It wasn’t Herzog, hang on a second.
OH! Kinski! Natasha Kinski! Dang that chick is fiiiiine!NO! Wait! Dammit! I need a moment. Just gimme a moment. This essay shit is hard. Lemme just take a breather, get a cigarette, I’ll be right back.
Okay, had my cigarette, went to the bathroom, checked my Facebook status, still no friends but that’s certain to change ANY DAY NOW. Dammit, why won’t anyone friend me? Am I that repellent a personality? Am I that full of myself, so arrogant, so nasty, that people go out of their way to avoid me, even when I’m online? And why is Facebook underlined?! I CAPITALIZED IT! IT’S A GODDAMN PROPER N
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this is totally unprofessional of me. I’m digressing, I’m digressing. Now I’m going to gress back to the proper theme of the essay. Madness. Yes, it wasn’t about Kinski at all! Or Herzog! But MADNESS! HA HA HA HA! Yes, I know, I know, I fooled you! Joke’s on you! YOU LOSERS! I am the master, YOU are the apprentice! HA HA HA HA HA!
My daughter just told me there’s a quicker way to convey my laughter instead of writing out HA HA HA HA HA. It’s “LOL”, which is common Internet shorthand for “laugh out loud”. That may be, but I don’t give two shits. I like writing out HA HA HA HA HA HA. You know who else would spit in the face of Internet convention, were he alive today to do so? You got it.
Klaus Kinski. You magnificent bastard. Insane? Yes. Chick magnet? Definitely. Scared you’ll visit me in the night? Oh, hell yes, yes, yes to the double, triple yes. You, you, you I can’t say “you” enough when it comes to you. You rock my socks, baby. Don’t ever change, Claus, I mean, Klaus. Don’t ever change.