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Last time we delved deep into the heart of craziness by studying the penultimate badass, Klaus Kinski. Now we’re gonna go to another type of craziness by studying two major badasses in cinema history, one real, the other fictitious and by that I mean James Bond and Stanley Kubrick. Respectively.

“James Bond” is the code name for a highly unpopular cloning program being run by Her Majesty’s (Lady Gaga) Secret Service. These guys are dangerous, but easily killed. It’s like this. When the world is in need of rescuing, the HMSS dispatches one of these “James Bonds” to save it. The first and original James Bond was highly successful and resulted in six completed missions before being killed. Rather than hire some new schlub and train him, HMSS decided to cut costs and clone James Bond, albeit with some slight alterations, so it’s kinda like the Venture Bros. meets Doctor Who, but more on that later.

The second Bond proved to be a bit of a let down, only lasting one mission, but the third Bond was a bit of an improvement, going on for about six more missions. At the same time, a rival organization of the HMSS also made a clone of the original James Bond, but this one had no alterations except that by some ill luck it was bald, easily remedied with a bad toupee. This unauthorized clone lasted one mission however.

Eventually, authorized Bond #3 bit the dust, only to be replaced by #4. The Bond proved to be the most troublesome and went rogue, ending up with only two missions under its belt. The fifth Bond was created, and this one proved somewhat more popular and remained true to party doctrine, lasting five whole missions before its untimely demise, and now we have the current sixth James Bond clone, which has completed two highly successful missions with a third one in the works.

Now to the second part of this essay, the fictional director Stanley Kubrick. It’s a running gag in Hollywood to assign Kubrick a place among the “real” directors, but this is false. Stanley Kubrick never really existed. Look at his body of work. Horror, comedy, period, sci-fi, drama, eroticism, epic, satire, war? One man directed all those different types of movies across so many genres? I think not. Rubbish! Balderdash! I spit in your soup for even suggesting it! Even the mighty Alfredo Hitchcock stuck to one genre throughout his career – black comedy. Except for that one shower scene; that didn’t make me laugh, only roll my eyes. But I digress.

This is why Stanley Kubrick never directed a James Bond film. Because James Bond is real, or as real as a clone can get, and Stanley Kubrick is fake, the product of a warped, deluded mind. His name is like “Alan Smithee”, only its applied to good movies instead of bad ones. Yeah, when a director makes a movie that is SO GOOD no one would ever believe a mortal man could have created it, they affix the name “Stanley Kubrick” to the credits, lest they end up being worshiped as some sort of god, and that would never do. Not that they’re averse to being worshiped as a god, far from it, several of them long to be, but as directors this could be difficult. Example:

SOME DIRECTOR: Quiet on the set! Lights! Camera! Action!

ADORING FANS: Look! It’s the director of “A Clockwork Orange”! You are a GOD among MEN!

SOME DIRECTOR: NO! Damn you all! You’ve ruined this expensive shot! NO!!!!

(explosions go haywire and a car falls on the leading actress, killing her and, more importantly, ruining the shot)

So you see, it just will not do for a director to go around with all these worshiping fans tagging along behind him, worshiping him while he’s trying to direct a movie. Therefore, it was decided early on by a group of white men in black robes surrounded by skulls and standing around a pentagram to attribute certain great movies to this “Stanley Kubrick”, so that directors can go on with their very important lives without fear of being accidentally worshiped while in the middle of an important scene. It can be very, very taxing on a director who fails to affix the “Stanley Kubrick” pseudonym to their greatest movies, I kid you not. Just look at what happened to that one guy who didn’t!

Indeed, it takes its toll, so let this post be a warning to all young upstart directors thinking they can just create a great movie and get away with putting their name on it! Yeah! Says me!

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